I made a vow to myself when I started this blog site that I would not let it lapse and become another thing started but never finished. And then my father and grandmother passed away within three weeks of each other.

Since then I have been embroiled in the immediate and necessary tasks of supporting my mother as well as undertaking many of the duties that fall to the position of executer. I have found myself supporting some of my siblings: Other siblings seem to have pulled away or retained their previously distant relationships. I have found that a noticeable shift has taken place between my mothers’ relationship and mine however. My sense is that because she has been inadvertently put into a position of depending on me a little more in things that she previously depended on my father for, we have become more connected. From my side I am aware that I worry more about her welfare and am able to be more tolerant of her foibles. I know that I have also become more open with her – partly because of the relationship I previously had with my father and consequently my mother; but partly also because I cannot see the point any longer of hiding my emotions and life when we are on this earth for such a short space and can be snuffed out at any given moment.

In my own life I have observed myself feeling stuck. Partly this is the inevitable result of the above situation: Partly I suspect that things had to slow down in me so that I could feel and deal with the two deaths in quick succession. My father’s was very unexpected and sudden – without too much suffering. My grandmother suffered for a number of years and her passing was probably a relief – for her and for those around her.
I have observed myself slowing down and felt at once frustrated with this state as well as accepting that this is how I need to be right now. This has been a welcome stage in my own development as I am wont to give myself a hard time in such situations. But here I was able to recognise that things like this are pretty natural.

I have to let myself be in the state that I am, moment by moment, without expectation. I have found this way of being easier on myself and it felt intrinsically right to have this attitude. I allowed myself to be as I was; to do, or not do, as I was able; to cry when I needed to or when the tears came, and to laugh when the urge took me. I still need to be like this. I feel as though I am being true to my self so much more.

Oh don’t get me wrong. There have been times when I couldn’t see the point of life: my life or indeed any life; when the end result is to have that flame that makes us vibrant beings, extinguished in a moment of a moment.
I have felt irritated with friends who have commented that I look or sound down and that I need cheering up, within weeks of my father passing. But I have known somewhere inside that whilst they mean well, I need to feel the sadness of my loss. I have also known that I am in a sensitive state and if they cannot tolerate my natural feelings of sadness, then that is perhaps more indicative of their state rather than mine. Conversely I have felt irritated by other friends who seem to have forgotten that I have recently lost two people who were in my life for a substantial period of my life…. And again reminded myself that I am in a sensitive position, and that if they have forgotten then that is their position and it does not necessary mean that they care less about me. The one thing I have struggled with however, and still am doing so, is contacting friends who do not keep in regular contact and therefore do not know of my recent losses. I find that I am unable to contact such people and baldly state these losses as part of what has happened to me in the last six months: And so I do not.

I am to this day, unable to comprehend the instantaneous change in state that we undergo when we move from this realm into the next. I am aware of wanting to experience more of my environment and to achieve more of my aspirations: I have been forced to face my own mortality and also to re-experience my existential aloneness. I am grateful to be a person who has learnt to experience my internal world, as it has definitely made my life richer and in a way, my journey smoother.

So hopefully.... there will be another entry very soon.